Part III · Love, Relationships & People

CHAPTER 12Crushes, Chemistry & Common Sense

Attraction · Discernment · Red flags · Green flags · Pacing

Chemistry is real and chemistry is not a character reference. Attraction tells you your body noticed somebody. It does not tell you whether that somebody is kind at 6 a.m., honest about money, or steady when things go wrong.

Slow is a gift you give yourself. Anyone worth having will not mind. Anyone who rushes you is trying to get past the part where you think clearly.

Keep these

  • “Attention is not the same as intention.”
  • “Consistency is the accent that tells you where somebody is really from.”
  • “If it only feels good in private, look at that closely.”

Practical steps

  • Watch behavior over ninety days before you rearrange your life.
  • Green flags: keeps small promises, respects your no, speaks well of people, handles money honestly.
  • Red flags: rushing intimacy, contempt disguised as jokes, secrecy, pressure about your money.
  • Tell one friend what you would want her to say to you if you started ignoring the obvious.

Crown Work

Crown Work — Crushes, Chemistry & Common Sense

Ten prompts, written for this chapter. Write by hand if you can — the slower pace tends to tell the truth faster.

  1. 01

    What I Realized

    What is this person's actual behavior telling you, apart from how they make you feel?

  2. 02

    What I Need to Release

    What fantasy about them are you ready to set down?

  3. 03

    What I Need to Protect

    What standard of yours is not up for adjustment?

  4. 04

    What I Want

    What do you want from a relationship at this point in your life?

  5. 05

    What I Am Afraid Of

    What are you afraid you'd have to admit if you slowed down?

  6. 06

    What I Can Control

    Name three things you can observe rather than assume.

  7. 07

    One Conversation I Need to Have

    What question do you need to ask them directly?

  8. 08

    One Boundary I Need to Set

    What pace will you hold, even if they push?

  9. 09

    One Thing I Will Do for Myself

    Keep one plan that is entirely about your own life this week.

  10. 10

    My Crown Commitment

    Finish this: my standard is…